An Arizona state senator scheduled a hearing this week about the "chemtrails" epidemic plaguing the area around Lake Havasu. A local newspaper wrote about the conspiracy theory as if it were fact, and further down the anti-science rabbit hole we go.

The first line is a doozy.

Mysterious white streaks in the skies over Mohave County are the subject of a meeting next week scheduled by state Sen. Kelli Ward.

Contrails. The word you are looking for is contrails. The word is a portmanteau of "condensation trails," or the thin wispy clouds that form when the warm, moist jet exhaust left behind by high-flying aircraft condenses when it comes in contact with the extremely cold, moist air of the upper atmosphere. The result is a cirrus cloud that lasts from a few seconds to hours depending on the humidity levels that day.

They are far from "mysterious." A+ reporting. Let's keep going.

[The senator] says the meeting was called to respond to concerns by her constituents about the so-called chemtrails that appear in the sky after jets fly by.

"So-called chemtrails," eh?

Immediately next to this so-called paragraph is a photo of a sky full of contrails with the caption "chemtrails are shown over Lake Havasu City." Y'see, we're not saying that these so-called chemtrails exist, but look at this here picture we incorrectly titled "chemtrails." Coincidence!? I think not.

The state senator sponsoring the hearings, Dr. Kelli Ward (who holds both a B.S. in psychology and a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine), says that the meeting is not to see if chemtrails exist, but rather to calm citizens irrationally concerned that they're being sprayed with billions of gallons of toxic chemicals by the Delta red-eye from LAX.

Ward said she is confident that the air and water in Mohave County are safe and pointed to naturally occurring minerals that could account for heightened levels of mercury and other minerals in blood tests.

"I have gotten a lot of communications from people who are concerned and there has been a sense that no one has been doing anything for them to address those concerns," she said. "I can't do field tests on the water, but I can connect them to the people who do."

The newspaper interviewed two Havasu residents to see what they had to say about the epidemic. One small business owner says that he read on the internets that chemtrails are real, and that since the government lies to us, "there's definitely something going on." Another resident had this to say after noting that she's seen chemtrails for about two years now:

"Every time they do chemtrailing there is some dramatic change in the weather. I noticed it this weekend and then it got very windy," Cramer said. "I'm not a scientist and I don't know what's in the (chemtrails). I think we have a right to know instead of worry about it every day."

The scariest part of the article is the fact that two representatives from the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality are passing up the chance to say "this is a ridiculous conspiracy theory and you people should be ashamed of your stupidity" to punt on the issue entirely. The agency told the News-Herald that the meeting will focus "on the department's lack of regulatory authority over any type of chemical spraying."

Hell, fly me out there (on a chemmobile, of course) and I'll hold the meeting for you. Are you ready?






That's all they need to say at the meeting. Despite what Mohave County's finest thinkers may have to say about the matter, chemtrails do not exist exist.

If that fails, my next advice is to step outside and take a nice, deep breath.

[Top image via MGM's The Wizard of Oz, screenshot via]